What is it that stopping me from job hunting? I’m not happy most days at work. Some days have their moments, but more often than not, I feel like I’m caught in an undertow; stagnant; no growth. The more I try to do to keep myself from drowning, the harder I flail.
I think I’ve grown a lot. Most of my growth has related to being more mindful and conscientious. And really thinking.
I suppose I struggle a lot with not always knowing the right things think of, question, look into, and flag. A lot of my adverse reactions have to do (perhaps) with always having the right instinct in my latter years of college.
And even if my instinct was “oh. Gosh. I don’t know, but I can find out.” I felt comfortable finding out.
It was neither endorsed nor frowned upon for me to take the initiative late at night to work on projects, new and old. My office was a haven-the place that no matter where I lived, or what was going on, I always had swipe access and could seek refuge, quiet, and focus.
I think the office has more of an impact on the job than I thought, or would think, on a daily basis.
The manager/boss does too. Although no one can be as good as Kathy, sometimes in regards to skills, I definitely realize that I took my situation for granted. Fit is also a huge factor – being the right fit as a subordinate, and the right fit as a manager.
Everyone there seemed to have an instinctual knowledge of how to delegate to new and fresh employees and students. Although it would often take 2 to 3 times the amount of time to come up with helpful things to have people do that also taught them skills to lead themselves, I was the first to admit the value of that, and usually also the first to embrace it.
Maybe too, really and truly take time to think, I should show that for the most part, I am copiously and compulsively logging my time. And offer on days that I do really want to reflect on something and think about it elsewhere that I will show show my log for the day and we can work through it from there. I should probably email about the struggles I’m having, and myself doubt about whether I’m even on the right track. And if a noticeable improvement is visible. Are there more than just my friends and family that really think I can do it? I feel like a failure whenever I look at my task list and the estimated/budgeted hours and see that I’m done with the first draft, have discussed, and yet I’m only entering in the revisions.
I find it a lot harder to try and think about my time budgeted and also think critically. I find when I make logic mistakes it was often and a transition moment where I had returned or diverged from it and come back, or if I had been focused for a while and it became like soup? Or is it just all psychological?
I can’t justify to myself the extra time things took, because they’re still late, and I know being early and over-delivering are mission critical. I try to look back on how to reduce time spent on the reports, and mostly the things that occur to me regard little things that add up: layout tweaks, having what I need before I start, knowing what I need and of what I need, and what I need to request so I can be on time. I just wish I could put more of my own time into things – not even company time. Just my own free time. I’d do it in a heartbeat.
I like working near home.
I like who I work with.
I’m not sure I’m in the right position for my skill set and way of thinking. I’m frustrated by my lack of development, and mindfulness.
How to minimize frustration (it’s damaging) and increase efficiency and confidence?
How to gain rhythm when overwhelmed?
Things to ponder, surely.
Update, 2016: Looking back at this, I realized that everything I thought I couldn’t do correctly, and the errors I was making, I’ve never made again when faced in a similar situation. Small agency life just wasn’t the right fit for me, and my career, and I know a lot more about myself now, and what I’m looking for, and what I can contribute to an organization in a win-win, symbiotic kind of way. It definitely came down to the right match at a job, and culture.